Two Minutes at the Hilton or Piper at the Gates of Rome - You Decide

by Jonny Rokket

Now I'll be the first to admit that wrestling today pretty much makes me wanna puke. Well at least the majors. It has become more exciting lately to follow the firings, defections and injury reports of the WWE than any of the storylines and TNA? Well their X-Division is starting to remind of the "mini-duplicate" midget wrestlers from back in the day. I'm expecting any day now for Consequences Creed (who already is some sort of portrayal of Rocky Balboa's nemesis turned ally Apollo Creed) to come out sporting a Coco B. Ware outfit carrying a parakeet. All we'd need then is for Curry Man (yep..."Curry Man") to come out sporting a Doink the Clown gimmick and the X-Division transformation will be nearly complete. I'd like to throw in a plug for Abdul Bashir to change his name yet again. This time to The Iron BaShiek and while we're at it...how about we get Alex Shelley to don a wig and come out as the Ultimate Wannabe.

Can I get paid now for my marketing genius? (hint of sarcasm included)

Back over in WWE land ol' Vince is pushing Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels and a trio of "scramble" championship matches at this Sundays Unforgiven pay-per-view plus they have a "Divas" championship match. Now I gotta ask? Is this wrestling or a hint to eat a hearty breakfast, listen to some Whitney Houston and then take a nap?

After grimmacing through RAW this past Monday I came to the conclusion that the major leagues of professional wrestling has zip entertainment value.

Until today.

While rummaging through the news at wrestleview.com I came across this news bit entitled "Santino Marella vs. Perez Hilton" and I thought to myself, "I dig faux Italian wrestlers just as much as the next guy." (HEY! Salvator Bellomo was a heck of an Italian juggernaut!) Within I descovered that apparently Santino Marella, a Canadian wrestler of "Italian descent", hosts his own video show on wwe.com entitled "Santino's Casa" or "Santino's House" for you non-worldly types out there. In the meager span of two minutes and a handful of seconds Santino disses gossip king, um queen, um whatever, Perez Hilton and then rakes Roddy Piper over the coals. While I expected the worst, I absolutely laughed my ass off which is good because Santino's wrestling makes me cry and not in a "moved to tears" kinda way.

In a cookie-cutter wrestling world where everyone wishes they were Jeff Hardy or Triple H, the video actually was a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stale cloud that is the typical wrestling personality of today.

Don't believe me, watch the clip below...when you're done laughing you can go back to watching your Hardy Boys DVD.

Rokket Out

Rumors & News from the Wrestling Mole

What a crazy weekend capped off with this year's edition of WWE's SummerSlam (or Summer SCAM?). Let's first mention the obvious the obvious: though it left him needing stitches afterwards, CM Punk beat JBL, Triple H topped the Great Khali (Great Whoopi is more like it), Batista stopped John Cena and the Undertaker returned to kick Edges ass. Hmmm...if there is anyone out there who couldn't have predicted these outcomes...please send em my way I got a little wager on the next TNA event. Now on to the rumblings making their way through the wrestling world.


In the "Tassels vs. Tatas" Department.

The Ultimate Warriors ex-wife, Shari Tyree, has been dropping hints that she will soon be interviewed for the first time about her life with the former WWF Inter-Continental and World Champion. So soon it has been claimed that it will happen THIS week! No offense Shari, but if I wanna hear some chick with a name that sounds like a brain-dead stipper talk about a musclehead ex with serious psycological issues I'll just wait for the next tidbit on the "Luscious" Linda Hogan saga to pop up.


In the "Feather Boas vs. Black Robes" Department.

So now that Jesse Ventura can no longer rule over wrestling, or the state of Minnesota for that matter, it is rumored that the former WWF Superstar is negotiating to host a judge talk show set to premiere in 2009. Now Judge Judy scares me, Judge Ventura only gives me bad gas. Wonder how many one-liners ol' Jesse's dug up from his wrestling days to foist upon unsuspecting trial attendees?



The "Should We Really Care" Department.

So this upcoming Monday, August 25th, WWE Raw will air on Sci-Fi instead of the regular USA Network slot due to the US Open Tennis Tournament. Maybe ol' Vince really is hurt...he gotta be to just step aside...FOR TENNIS?!?!?! Guess 25 plus years of propping up the USA Network means very little these days. Why not just skip Raw this week? That way the 4 or 5 Superstars left can take the night off.



The "We REALLY Shouldn't Care" Department.

So after last night's "not really a match after all" match, Mark Henry will take on Matt Hardy on ECW this Tuesday on SCI-Fi. I should feel bad for all the "Matt-Heads" who actually paid to see last nights "not-match" when they could have just watched for free on Tuesday but like they say "a fool and his money...". But then again...it's not like this is REAL ECW, right? If this is news to you...I got a wager on a Magnificent Moolah match I'd like to discuss with you as well.



The "Finally Some News That Makes Me Smile" Department.

So WWE's Umaga will be out of action for a couple of months to undergo rehab on a "funny" knee injury hee suffered at Tuesday's WWE Smackdown taping. They say it's a torn posterior cruciate ligament. I say it's a friggin' breath of fresh air!


Yeah there's more crap to discuss...like Santino Marella becoming Inter-Continental Champion again (The Honky Tonk Man would be rolling over in his grave...if'n he was dead ya'll!), or the return of Tony Atlas?

Come to think about it...there really isn't anything left to discuss.

Til Next Time...WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE BIGGEST OPINION IN THE WORLD RUNS WILD ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Barry Molea, The Wrestling Mole